Remembering

Memorial Day is for remembering. We remember those who have given their lives for our freedoms. We remember ancestors who have sacrificed to establish traditions that benefit us. We remember the soul-satisfying relationships we have shared with loved ones. And, we remember our favorable circumstances.

I have often wondered why it is important to remember. We honor people by remembering them. There is no greater compliment than saying, "I will always remember your kindness". Although remembering is most often associated with the past, remembering helps move us forward to the future. For example, remembering how an ancestor faced difficult times can help us face our own difficult times. Remembering that they survived helps us know that we will survive. Remembering those who have given their lives for our freedoms helps us want to protect those freedoms into the future.

Now that I am four months from transplant, I would like to do a little remembering. I want to put it in writing so I will never forget.

I always want to remember how good I feel. As transplant moves farther away, I don't ever want to forget this feeling. Liver disease comes on gradually and affects your whole system. In some ways you don't realize that you are feeling so poorly. Then, in two months time, you are this new person. I am a changed person. My wife and children say that my personality has even changed. Before transplant, living through every day was a challenge. The fatigue was relentless. Now, living through every day is enjoyable. I actually look forward to the next day. I wake up in the morning refreshed and can't go back to sleep. Remembering how good I feel helps me face each day with optimisim.

I always want to remember my family and friends. Getting together with family and friends is a different experience. I now see each day as a gift (really we should look at life that way no matter what). A gathering with those I love and enjoy is something to hold onto for as long as the day will allow. My experience has taught me how much my family and friends love me and I want to give that love back to them. Also, my experience has taught me how much my family and friends are willing to give to me and I want to be willing to give to them. The other day, I looked at my son sitting across the room. I remembered him washing my hair and giving me my sponge bath in the hospital. Many nights I look at my wife sleeping next to me and I remember her sleeping on the little couch in the hospital room, night after night. She stood ready to help me when I couln't help myself. So many others - children, parents, siblings, friends, community members - please, let me remember them all. Those remembrances flood me with emotions. Remembering family and friends helps me want to find every available resource to give to them.

I always want to remember the gift of life. My last clinic appointment was on April 23, 2010 (I'm now at every-three-months clinic appointments). While we were meeting with Dr. Box, going over my progress, his beeper went off two times. He told Janet, the transplant coordinator, to check to see what was needed. She said she already knew. A few minutes later, I asked how Mike was doing. Immediately, Dr. Box became emotional and could not talk. Eventually, he mentioned that Mike was not doing well. Those beeper calls were from Mike's concerned family. I could not believe that Mike had suffered so long. Could he possibly still be alive? I wanted to leave my clinic appointment with my petty questions so Dr. Box could do all he could for Mike and his family. I found out later that April 23 was Mike's last day. While it is rewarding for the transplant team to see success stories, it is heart wrenching to realize you have the knowledge and capability to save a life but not the ability. Remembering that not everyone receives a second chance at life helps me spread the word that we can do more for organ donation by talking to family about our feelings and desires.

I always want to remember the Rose family. Living in the same community with the Rose family is a rewarding experience. They are such kind and giving people. We visited Jeremy's grave on the Sunday before Memorial Day. It was my first time there. The grave was still fresh, the grass had not completely grown back. The Idaho breeze was cool. The site was on a hill, overlooking the farmland. We took flowers with a sign that assured the family that, "We will always remember your gift. The Parkinson Family". After looking at my explanted liver, the doctor said that I probably had only four months left. That means that people could have been visiting my grave this Memorial Day weekend. That is a sobering thought. There are a lot of mixed emotions with transplantation. Questions go unanswered. Being a recipient has a few emotional challenges. The unanswered questions include, "Why do I live and he doesn't?" or "Why does my seventh-grade son have a father and why does his seventh-grade daughter not have a father?" or "Can I live my life well enough to deserve such a gift?". The Rose family has been so kind to my feelings. They have always taken the position that the accident was going to happen anyway - "We're just thankful that so much good could come from it." I will always respect and honor them. All I know to do is move forward in gratitude. I want to always remember the Rose family and their gift to me.

I always want to remember and then move forward to the future.